Emerson is taken to dinner by Wordsworth. He finds himself in Punjabi restaurant in South Kensington. He inquires about the food. Worsdworth and the waiter heartily explain thus:
This is roti, this is puri, this come straight from Chandigarh
If you don’t like Punjabi, we have dish from Kerala
Whatever you want, whatever you like,
From Sindh to Hyderabad
From mild to very spicy - just point your finger at the map!
A is for Australia, Antigua and Aruba
B is for Basutoland, Batavia and Bermuda
C is for the Cayman Isles, Cyprus and Ceylon
D is for Dominica, the list goes on and on
Before you get to Zululand there are two hundred more
And every single one of them has something we need more…
…than they do!
Whatever we want, whatever we need
Whatever it is we lack
Somewhere there’s a distant land
We conquered just for that
We used to be embarrassed that we had no history
Comparable to ancient Greece or Rome
No Socrates, no Caesar, no marble busts to speak of
No pyramid or Parthenon that we could call our own
But now, thanks to John Company and good ol’ British pluck
We’ve more history than can fit in one museum
And the beauty of these treasures of antiquity is this:
The gypos, wops and eyeties must pay to come and see ‘em!
Whatever we want, whatever we need
Whatever it is we lack
Somewhere there’s a distant land
We conquered just for that!
Some lands are blessed with diamonds, some are blessed with gold
Our sceptered isle got peat and coal and lead
But what are earthly riches when God is his great wisdom
Gave us burning justice in their stead?
The great British export is fair play for one and all
Britannia rules the waves and keeps the rules
In gratitude we’re showered with their rubies and their pearls
Yes, in exchange for cricket we got the crown jewels!
We don’t know how to kick a ball
Or how to hold a bat
What d’you think the Empire’s for
If it isn’t exactly that!
Once a famous poet of ours ran out of inspiration
Try as he might the words just wouldn’t come
So we got an expedition and sent it to Kabul
Now he’s rhyming merrily on o-pi-um
Whatever we want, whatever we need
Whatever it is we lack
Somewhere there’s a distant land
We conquered just for that!
It’s flat
What?
That note you sang… was flat
I’m English… we don’t care if we can’t sing
Welsh choir: You’ve got the Welsh for that…!
Rhythm?
Africa!
Silk?
China!
Common sense?
Scotland!
Long distance runners?
Somalia!
And what do we do it they won’t play ball?
Attack, attack, attack!
Enter Wordsworth:
...if it pours in January
And rains until December
I’m as happy as a lark just
As soon as I remember…..
The sun never sets upon the Empire
Somewhere there’s a place under the Crown
Where you can turn your whitish British body
The perfect shade of co-lo-ni-al brown
No, the sun never sets upon the Empire
From our civilizing duties we’ll not shrink
We’ll teach our creed and culture to the native
And eventually we’ll turn his children pink!
Whatever we want, whatever we need
Whatever it is we lack
If you like them…
Black…???
Somewhere there’s a distant land
We conquered just for that!
